Lost & Addiction

Last week, Jack and I went to Montana to visit the Boy. It was a good trip. One whole day was devoted to parent training, which is emotionally exhausting but helpful. I feel like our family is in a much better mental health space than we were two years ago. The Boy said that the kids who are doing the best in the program have parents who are also doing their own therapy or other emotional/spiritual work to heal themselves. He acknowledged our progress, which was appreciated.

The weekend still had its challenges. The worst part was driving in Bozeman, which is completely absurd because it is a small town with very little traffic. How hard could it be? Yet, driving in a new town always poses challenges. Several times before we got in the car, I asked Jack if he knew where he was going or did he need me to navigate.

"I know where I am going," he would say.

And then we would get lost, which pissed me off because I specifically asked if he knew where he was going ten minutes earlier. I'd then get out my phone, turn on Google maps and let the Google lady tell us where to go. The Boy -- and his friends we later found out-- hate the electronic sound of the Google lady's voice. We all are pissed, which is no fun.

When I got back to Seattle, I told this story to our family therapist. His reply:

"It is okay to get lost."

What? No it is not okay to get lost. What if we missed our dinner reservation and there was no other restaurant open and we had to eat hot dogs from a gas station on the Boy's last night of pass and he wanted to eat in a nice restaurant and then he was crabby and inconsolable and...?

It is okay to get lost.

It makes sense, but I still struggle. I've lost a daughter, a brother to schizophrenia and a mother to dementia. I've lost love and jobs and an election.

"It is okay to be lost," our therapist said. "Sometimes the greatest adventures happen when we are lost."

This week, I also thought about addiction. One of my friends was talking about four parts to addiction that I can relate to:

• The need to know
• Seeing what is wrong
• Drama and intensity
• Perfectionism

These unhealthy behaviors have plagued my own life. I often think that if I can figure things or people out, I will get the outcome I am looking for. I often look at what isn't working in my life instead of celebrating what is good. I try to avoid drama, but I certainly qualify as intense. I am not a perfectionist: I just don't make mistakes (hahaha.) The connecting theme of these ideas are control. 

My friend then mentioned the antidotes:

• The need to know --> faith
• Seeing what is wrong --> gratitude
• Drama and intensity --> love and connection
• Perfectionism --> embracing humanness and imperfection

The antidotes celebrate different themes: uncertainty and imperfection and love.  It is okay not to know everything. It is okay not to be perfect. 

It is okay to be lost.