The Prodigal Son & Therapy

When I was growing up, I remember going to church and hearing the story of the Prodigal Son. There was a father with two sons. One son wanted to have his inheritance early, and then he blew it all in the equivalent of the biblical Vegas. The other son chose to stay home and dutifully managed the family farm. 

The prodigal son partied and after he spent all of his money, he was so destitute, the only job he could get was herding pigs, which was considered a pretty crappy job in biblical times. When the prodigal son came back home, he was broke and broken; yet, his father welcomed him back with open arms. The father slaughtered the fatted calf for the celebratory feast for his returning son.

The other son was more than annoyed and refused to go to the party. "I was here the whole time, and do I get a big party?"

"Your brother was lost, and now he is found," said the father.

I was thinking of this story after I got back from the family workshop for my son's program. The most common theme is letting your almost grown children make their own decisions, and then accept the consequences, good or bad. Don't rescue, don't protect your kids from failure.

In this story, the father is supposed to reflect God, that God will welcome back those who return from the abyss, from the bottom, and give them the forgiveness they seek.

I thought of this story in a different way: What does the father not do? 

• The father does not chase the prodigal son around and nag him about spending so much money.
• The father does blame or criticize the kid for their choice of bad influence friends.
• The father does not does not spend the other son's money or got broke trying to save the prodigal son each time he makes poor choices.
• When the son is destitute, the father doesn't pick him up from the pig farm and give him a new car.

The father lets the son be. He lets his son fail. When the son falls on the ground, the father does not pick his son up. Only when the son comes back on his own terms, does the father welcome him back.

I think about my son's and my therapeutic path for the past two years. It is so hard to watch your kid flail. It is so hard to let go.

But it is the only choice.

If you don't let them go, how can they come back?