My friend Jane wrote me a note last week. (Jane of "The M-Word" post.) These themes have been kicking around in the back of my mind.
Lauren:
I say disaggregate (what we always tell the school district!). It is so daunting to address the John-as husband-as workaholic-marriage-self confidence-job marketability-mid life questions about purpose as a single monolithic challenge! It always makes sense when people say break down a problem into smaller pieces.
Recently, nearly everything is focusing like a laser beam on John (his workaholic tendencies, his choices, his emotional availability, etc.) and what impact his behavior and choices have on you, your marriage and your family. This is a central relationship and person in your life, so of course it--and he--deserves a significant amount of your attention, but perhaps only a portion!
There are plenty of other pieces to this puzzle that have more to do you with you and just you than they do with the people with whom you live, and I think that part of this deserves as much--and, really, more--attention. It seems like you are finding yourself in a somewhat unexpected place: you are a stay-at-home mom and you aren’t sure if the dividends have been what you anticipated or wanted or thought you agreed to. You have been an extraordinary volunteer, but again, it isn’t clear if that is the right fit for you going forward--does it produce the outcomes you want? In both cases, maybe this is a good time to take a new look at what is right for you. What do you want?
There are a number of potential outcomes. You could, for example, decide that you want to be the primary care provider at home and you want to stay out of the work force until the kids are in college. If you made that choice now, you would be doing so with a clear understanding of what the “returns” are. You might have new demands of the people involved if you were to make a conscious choice to do this. My primary point is that the choosing would be in your power, and you would have some influence over the terms. And, knowing what you know now, you might negotiate a little differently!
Similarly, you might choose to go back to the paid work force. That might become a priority focus of yours. It would involve different trade offs. You would derive some of your “returns” from different sources (co-workers, bosses, etc.) and in different forms ($$$, different types of satisfaction re: work products, etc.).
I hope you will feel empowered to stop and consider the choices before you and not feel that John is calling the shots on all of the above. He has a full plate of things he has to work through. Those things don’t have to dictate how you feel about yourself and your choices. You deserve to be your number one priority right now, Lauren. You have been through an incredibly rough experience. With the help of your friends and people whose opinions you respect, you can put the pieces back together and craft a way forward of your choosing.
Your friends are one source of that support. I just said to someone today, “if you aren't feeling confident about yourself professionally, perhaps you could borrow some of the confidence that I have in you”. Similarly, a friend of mine is at a major transition point where she wants to change jobs (and coasts), but she doesn't expect any support whatsoever from her husband (he is content in his situation and doesn’t really have an incentive to make changes). I told this friend to look to others that will support her in this endeavor (if not her husband).
Rather than thinking of you at a dead end, I think of you at the beginning of a totally new and different road. Terrifying not knowing what is around the corner, yes. But, the opportunities are plenty. You are smart, you are capable, you are caring. Even more than recreating your trust in John (which is important; just a separate issue), I hope you will recreate trust in yourself. Believing in yourself will help put some of the other stuff in perspective, it will give you a strong foundation from which to navigate these complicated waters, it will help give you the strength to move forward.
How? By doing exactly what you are doing. Borrow some confidence from your friends. Remember that these are people whose opinions you value and respect (know that we are right when we tell you that you are awesome and capable and that you can do this). Put yourself first in a way that you have not done for some time. Allow yourself to think about what you, just Lauren, wants and not what the other people in your household need or want. And, go after it! Blaze your own black diamond trail.
Fondly,
Jane
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