Sex, Money and Physical Attraction

Before my husband and I got married, we went to a pre-Cana class.  The session was all day on a Saturday in the fall.  Several dozen couples met at a local parish where we talked about marriage.  I am thinking in was St. Mike's in Old Town in Chicago.  Most of the couples were in their mid-twenties and early thirties, and had been together to a reasonable length of time.  John and I had been dating for more than seven years before we got married.  The general response from family and friends:  "It's about time."

For one of the exercises, each table of four couples needed to create a list of the top three things they thought were important in a marriage.  I volunteered to speak for the group.  One of the guys offered me a buck if I said sex, money and physical attraction.  I was in.

When it was my turn, I stood up in front of 50 or 60 people.  When asked what are the three most important things in a marriage, I replied, "Sex, money and physical attraction."

There was a pause before the room exploded into laughter.  I understood comedians desire to make people laugh.  It was awesome.  The guy handed me a dollar, but I refused to take it.

But there are other things.  Trust and honesty are to marriage like wings are to an airplane.  If it doesn't have wings, it isn't a plane.  Without trust and honesty, it isn't a marriage.  Yes, marriages need more than trust and honesty.  Wings are necessary, but sufficient.

After my husband's workaholism has come to light, there are more things that need to be rebuilt, including trust and honesty.  Honesty takes many forms.  First is the plain old not lying.  But there are other parts, too.  Part of being honest with a partner or spouse is being honest with ourselves first.  When things are falling apart, we need to tell the other person so they aren't surprised when things explode.  They can brace, prepare and perhaps prevent the explosion.  He needed to tell me he was overwhelmed and didn't know how to stop.  But he didn't.

While I dread the handwork in the months to come, I am at least thankful our marriage was stable on so many other fronts.  We have generally been three for three in the list I presented at St. Mike's eighteen years ago.  At least we have something on which to rebuild.