Christmas Past

2014 was a rough year.  At the end of it, I was not particularly in a jolly mood or looking forward to Christmas.  I usually enjoy creating Christmas cards, picking out my favorite pictures from the year and writing a witty little note telling everyone about our adventures.  I try not to write a "brag and drag" letter, telling everyone how brilliant my children are or discuss the amazing good news of the year.  Nor do I want to write a letter telling everyone, "Man, this year was hard.  I barely got through it.  Maybe next year you'll get a letter from me as a single mom.  Maybe not.  Maybe Jack will get his workaholism under control and things will be better.  I have no idea what the future holds."

In addition to skipping Christmas cards, I also skipped getting anyone outside of my immediate family a gift.  My kids a few things to keep them occupied on the plane to New Zealand (i.e., puzzle books, new earbuds for Claire Adele, etc.) and trinkets to open on Christmas morning.  The strong message was "Your Christmas present is a trip to New Zealand.  Seriously.  That is it."  As we were seeing my friend Carla and her family on Christmas, I bought each of the kids a Mixel set from Lego, as those sets were the easiest to pack since they are small and come in a bag not a box.  I did not get gifts for any of my nieces or nephews.  I usually take my kids shopping and have them help select gifts.  This year, I didn't even bother to spend half a morning shopping online and having things wrapped and delivered.  I didn't even bother to send a check or a gift card.  I wasn't simply lazy -- I was uninvolved.  I couldn't get enough energy to care.

There is an expression that I heard ages ago:  Grief waits.  It means if you put off and ignore emotional pain, it sits and waits until you have time to give to attention.  It doesn't go away by virtue of ignoring it.  

Christmas waits.  It is the middle of January, I wake up thinking of what to get people for Christmas.  I feel like since I skipped all of these major Christmas rituals, they are waiting around to be completed in my mind.  I am mentally stuck back in December of 2014.  This is not to be confused with guilt or shame.  I think once in a while it is healthy to skip the hoopla of the holidays and decide what really matters.  I needed this season off.  Most of the holidays are dumped on the laps of women to manage, keep and create traditions.  This past year was hard, and it was difficult to celebrate.  While much of the holidays are obligations, a lot of it reminds us of what matters.  Christmas cards keep us in touch with people we like but don't get to see very often.  Gifts to nieces and nephews say I am still part of your family and I think of you, even though we live two or three time zones away.

So Christmas waits.  It really can't be the Super Bowl tomorrow because I haven't finished my Christmas cards yet.  Back in December, should I have slogged through toy stores looking for nice things for my nieces and nephews?  Should I have at least gotten out my checkbook and mailed everyone money?  Should I have sucked it up and sent family and friends "happy" pictures of my family form what was decidedly not a happy year?  Or, should have found those few moments which were bearable in an otherwise very messy year, and celebrated those?  No.  Can I really go forward and pretend it is Christmas almost in February?  No.  I did what I needed to do. I just wish the power that rituals and tradition has over my mind would give me a break.