Dear Girls v Dear Claire-Adele, or Salt and Pepper Shakers v Sugar Bowls

My dear friend Ellen gave me a copy of Dear Girls by Ali Wong for Christmas. It is memoir dressed up as letters to her daughters. When I finished reading it, I gave it to my daughter Claire-Adele to read. Not that she will read it--she is busy reading books about things like political crises in Myanmar (formerly Burma.) Hopefully, she'll find time for some serious frivolity and read this book. Wong is a feminist and a mom, which made me like it.

There is one point of Ali's that I may beg to differ on: Marry your own kind. Since I gave the book to Claire-Adele, I don't have it in front of me so I can't find the exact passage and wording where she says this. I am flying by memory. Here is what I would tell Claire-Adele.

Dear Claire-Adele,

Ali Wong in her books tells her daughters to marry their own kind. Before Ali met her husband, she dated lots of guys that might be called...inappropriate. Ali is first generation Asian, as is her husband. Ali went to private school, as did her husband. Her point is to find someone that understands your background and culture, nevermind the collective set of four parents of Ali and her husband are from four different Asian countries: Japan, China, Vietnam and the Philippines.

As you know, your own heritage is mixed and did not follow Ali's recommendation. Your Thai-Chinese grandmother married an Irish American. Your adopted Italian-American mother married a straight up American. I am sure my father has some kind of ethnicity in him somewhere -- English, German, Swedish or whatever--but it is a few generations back. I can see where marrying her own kind worked for Ali, but it is not a formula for everyone.

This makes me think of the difference between salt and pepper shakers versus sugar bowls. Should people marry people who are the same on the outside but different on the inside, i.e., salt and pepper shakers, or should they marry people who are like each other on the inside, but different on the outside, i.e., sugar bowls?

I have several friends from India, and I am learning about arranged marriages. For anyone to marry for love outside of their caste, region or religion, they need to convincing to the other members of their family and community, which is no small feat. To marry inside means they share a language, food, beliefs and status.

I can see that this could very easily make sense. Similarities make an easy and comfortable foundation. It doesn't mean that it should be done that way as there will always be differences between people. Ali is from the West Coast, her husband from the East. He has an MBA and she is a comic. Those are big differences, but not a deal breaker for Wong. Urban versus rural can also be a big difference. Sober versus not. Republican versus Democrat. Shopper versus camper. You get the idea.

The similarities give a foundations, but the differences are what could give you an opportunity to grow--if they are the right differences. A bookworm marrying a jock? It could be a disaster if neither party is willing to change. Or, it could be great the reader to get some exercise fresh air and the athlete to acquire a rich inner life. Figure out what differences you can or can't live with, and go from there.

Human connection is as necessary as air, water and food. Strive for a healthy connection, whether you find a pepper shakers to match your salt, or if you find another sugar bowl.

Love,
Mom

P.S. Just don't be co-dependent. That sucks. Being needed doesn't equal love or make for a healthy relationship.