Low Expectations

I was at coffee today with my friend Sarah.  When Jack and I had our separation a few months ago, I stayed at Sarah's house for a week while I settled down.

"Maybe staying with Jack is the best of all of your possible options," she said.  "There are other alternatives out there, of course, but maybe as you consider them, you should see that Jack isn't the worst thing out there."

She has a point, and I generally agree with it.  Here is where my brain and heart start duking it out.  Before I get into this, let me tell you something else Sarah said to me ages ago, before the shit-hit-the-fan in my marriage.  At the time, I was feeling lonely in my marriage.  Why did this hurt so bad, and would be I better off single?  If I were single, I would be even more lonely.  Or would I?

Sarah said it was all about expectations, and not in a bad way.  When we are married, we expect to have companionship and not be lonely.  So when we are married and lonely, we have the disappointment of having our expectation not being met.  If we are single and alone, our expectation are not being dashed.

Also comes into play is the ability to change.  When someone is single, they have the opportunity to go out and find ways not to be lonely.  They can be open to new relationships.  When someone is lonely in a marriage, the opportunities to find non-platonic companionship are different.  Of course, men and women need friends outside of the marriage.  I am not talking about relying on my spouse and kids for all human contact.

So I could go with Sarah's idea that Jack is the best of all possible options.  But what I were still lonely and Jack didn't change?  Would I then be falling back to the position of low expectations which got me in this position in the first place?  He started working way too much.  I expressed my frustration, loneliness and disappointment, which met with his resistance.  I stopped complaining, I just lowered my expectations, which allowed him work more, which everything even worse.  I was in a lose-lose spot where no matter what I did, there was no positive change from my perspective.

Jack maybe the best alternative, but low expectations are not an options.  Brain, meet heart.  To be continued....