Luxury

Some women don't need to have a man around all of the time.  They are content when their husbands travel or work all of the time.  They are happy as long as their men make good money and they are well stocked in fancy shoes and have an ample allowance to travel and go out to lunch with friends.

I am not one of those women.

I read an article this week in the Seattle Times about Satya Nadella, the new CEO of Microsoft, which got me thinking.  In 1994-1996, he got his MBA from the University of Chicago while he was living in Seattle.  He would fly out on Friday and would catch the red-eye back at the end of the weekend.  I am guessing he worked full days during the week.  (Maybe not.  I don't know.)  I don't think I could be married to a guy who was gone seven days a week.  What would be the point of being married?  This would assume the marriage implies some level of companionship at the core.  Maybe he worked extraordinarily hard during that time to stay close to his wife.  This is a quote from Nadella that was posted on NPR's website:

"At home, raising kids or maintaining a loving relationship, realizing that you have achieved something fantastic is much harder to see. For example: making sure you are at home, reading to your kids every night, just trying hard to be a great parent with just hope that it may make your children great people and parents themselves, but that for most people you won't know the result of your efforts for 20 years and nothing is certain."

I don't know if Nadella had kids while he was in business school.  But what if someone with his work schedule did?  I am not a woman who could handle that.

Which leads me to another point.  A friend of mine posted a link to this blog post on Facebook, Being a Stay-At-Home Parent is a Luxury...For Your Spouse.

http://www.babble.com/relationships/being-a-stay-at-home-parent-is-a-luxury-for-your-spouse/

In my fourteen years of being a stay-at-home mom, I never figured this out.  It is a luxury for Jack that I stay home and take care of everything.  He shows up at 6:30 p.m., and dinner is on the table.  If a kid is sick, there is no questions about who will take care of this child.  Summer camps and alternate plans?  All mine.  Who makes sure the kids leave for school on time and driven to soccer?  Who is home when they get home?

Yep.

I am more than a little sore right now.  Jack just finished working 19 days in a row, which for a workaholic, is like a boozer going to Mardi Gras.  The deal was when he was going to work a weekend, he was supposed to take a weekday off.  I told him he didn't even have to spend it with me.  He could go for a long bike ride or whatever.  He worked two weekends in a row with no days off.  Why didn't he take a day off?  "I have a bunch of deadlines and too much work to do."  No shit, Sherlock.  He always has too much work to do, which is why he is a workaholic.

"No, really, it will get better," he says.

The other day, I was flipping through the calendar when I saw twelve days overlapping two weekends marked out on the calendar when Jack is going out of town.  Did he discuss it with me as he was putting it on the calendar?  No.  I knew the trip was coming up and the month, but did I know it was 12 days including two full weekends?  No.  I asked him what he was thinking when he put it on the calendar, did he think to tell me?  No.  Did he think it was important to tell me?  No.  Am I seeing a change in behavior here?  Not really.

This spring, he was galloping up and down the West Coast while I was at home, taking the Boy to soccer try-outs and helping the kids finish up the school year.  Do I have any say in his schedule?  When does "luxury" become "taken for granted," and the person holding down the fort is ignored and dismissed, assumed they will be there to keep everything in place?  Treated like the staff at Walmart, who work when they are told to work or they don't have a job?

Okay.  That was super bitchy.  I am not treated like Walmart worker.  But the challenge of being a "luxury" to one's spouse is that it implies an inherent inequality in the relationship.  I am sure some marriages manage this just fine, where both parties have open and mutual communication, respect, admiration, etc.  But happens when that open communication isn't there?  What if I had plans during that time?  It wasn't even considered, which therein lies my problem.  I don't make plans because God-only-knows what the Job will bring in.

Back in the day when I working in compensation consulting, the partner at the firm I worked at was called by the Chicago Tribune.  A study had shown amongst MBA graduates, that men whose wives worked earned less than those who didn't.  It was statistically significant, but not socially so.  The MBA's whose wives didn't work earned on average $10,000 more a year.  I am assuming the women who worked made more than $10K, so the family as a whole had a greater income.

The partner called several us of into his office to discuss why this might be the case.  Years ago, I though it was because the men with stay-at-home wives asked to earn more, or they worked a little bit harder.  Now I think it was because the guys likely never had to say "no" to the job.  They probably never had to say "I need to check with my wife if I can take that trip," or "I can't work late.  I have to drive the baseball carpool."

The so-called "Mommy Wars" are more likely fought husband v. wife, than mom v. mom.  Sure, there are plenty of issues that need to be resolved, like equitable pay, opportunities for promotion, flexible work hours, etc.  I don't mean to diminish the barriers that exist for women to raise a family while working.  But much of that conversation starts at home before women even get out of the door.  My friend Eleanor who is in her nineties told me,  "Men don't want their wives to work.  You just need to go out and take control of your own life!  Don't wait for your husband to come around.  Just do it.*"

So what does this mean for me?  If my staying at home is defined a "luxury," it means it really isn't so much needed.  Sure, I like being a stable, predictable presence in my children's lives.  I like home cooked meals, even I don't like cooking them.  But I like being busy.  I like solving problems.  I like having something meaningful to do.  I need a sense of accomplishment.

It makes the idea of going back to work a whole lot less scary.  For me, anyway.  I am not sure Jack will feel about it.

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* Eleanor very likely didn't use the exact phrase, "Just do it."  She has studied Shakespeare.  She is not likely to quote a Nike commercial.   A Nike commercial quoting her?  That could be possible.