Blessings and Abundance

I talked to the Boy Friday morning and he seems to be doing much better, which is a giant relief. His voice sounds strong and hopeful, more hopeful than I've heard in ages. Last week, he wrote us a long and detailed letter. His interest in aerospace is back, which is fantastic. In middle school, one of his favorite activities was rocketry, where the kids would build rockets and compete in a national contest. He is grades are up due to his improved time management and ability to manage is anxiety in the face of a pile of work.

As he gets stabilizes, so do I. The week before last was almost blissful. I was peaceful, in a good mood and carried with me an open heart. I was present, not preoccupied for the first time in a long time. At the same time I am relieved, I now have the emotional space to focus on my personal life. I have to attend to a bunch of situations that have been ignored for months. My marriage, my friendships, and other family relationships have all been neglected while I worked to get the Boy into treatment. My marriage was a disaster, but I couldn't address those issues at the time for fear of losing focus on the Boy.

One of the major issues I have been struggling with since the Boy has gone to Wilderness and boarding school is finding peace and reasons to be happy in spite of the miserableness my son struggling with. The week before last was fine, but how can I keep that up even when times are low? How can I make it part of my long-term view?

I think I may have figured part of it out. Today, I went to an Al-Anon meeting to help me find some sanity and healing with Jack's workaholism. I went years ago, but Jack told me it made him feel bad that I was going so I stopped, which was a mistake. The purpose of these meetings (or so I am figuring out) it to help the person who lives or loves with someone (partner, parent, child) with an addiction reclaim their identity, which is what I am trying to do. Often the person who is in a relationship with someone with an addiction can lose themselves in the process trying to help/fix/save the other person who may not want to be saved.

Today's topic at Al-Anon about our prayer or mediation process. I really don't have one, yet. I used to have a more spiritual life, but somewhere along the way, it got lost. As I was writing my thoughts in the meeting, I stopped to mediate for a few minutes to see what would come up. This little thought popped into my head.

You will be given blessings and abundance for saving the Boy's life.

The same thought came into my head three or four times. I don't even use words like "blessing" or "abundance," but there they were. I don't even know what those blessings will be, or what abundance means, but I'll take it on faith that things will be okay.

My friend Ellen said she and her daughter were better off because of her daughter's problems. I had a hard time reconciling this. How could she be glad her daughter was a recovering alcoholic? I think what Ellen is happy about is the recovering part. Her daughter had these issues and she overcame them. Viktor Frankl would agree. Overcoming challenges can give our lives meaning. I suppose I need to stop looking at these problems as if I have a choice about them because I don't. I don't have a choice that my son has anxiety and depression. How am I different from a goose? I am not in the sense that I cannot prevent tragedy from befalling me, but in the case of the Boy, I can be supportive and see that he gets the help he needs.

His engaging letters, his hopeful voice, those are my blessings, my abundance.