Why Kids? Why Marriage?

I was at lunch last week with one of my co-workers and he asked "Why did you get married?" and "Why did you have kids?"

Which are exactly not the questions I want to think about now that my son is in treatment for depression, my daughter is off at college and my marriage has imploded. Thanks, dude. He is from India where arranged marriages are the norm, so asking an American woman what she thinks will yield a different answer than he's used to, if I can figure it out. My answering the question to someone from India will require more depth of thought than if I were talking to one of my American women friends whose experience was identical to mine. (See: Jessica who also married a guy who went to Northwestern.)

Because I am mildly (or majorly) neurotic, when people ask my questions like that I can't let go of them in my mind until I have an answer. Kids are perhaps a simpler answers--marriage is more complex. And those are two giant questions, possibly the biggest outside of "What is the meaning of life?" That might be easier: to love one and other. Or, as E.M. Forster writes in Howards End: Only connect.

Let's start with connection. Why do we get married? For connection.

Why do we have kids? For connection again, but that connection is far more work. To give and receive love. When we are kids, we are often the recipients of love from our parents, our grandparents, our aunts and uncles. We don't give a lot of love at that age. My friend Betty recommended getting a dog for the kids when they were little: "They need to learn to give love in addition to receiving it." She was right. It is also a reason people have kids. I remember when I was pregnant with Ada. It was a surprise/oops pregnancy, but I was okay with it. "I have more to give than I need to receive," I thought at the time.

I remember reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Meaning comes from working, connecting and overcome difficult situations. Parenting provides all three. It is brutally hard work, but also very rewarding. It can be mind-numbingly dull at times and the most fascinating experience. It is when your heart lives outside of your body. No one pushed me or inspired me to be a better human being more than my kids.

Marriage is harder, and there are lots of reasons to get married. Some of them could be on a check list that may or may not apply.

At a basic level, I think all marriages stem from a desire for companionship, wanting to live with someone else instead of alone. What that companionship looks like varies for everyone.

Some men might want someone to cook their food, do their laundry and raise their kids, in a traditional sense.

Some women might want someone who is a good provider and will be a good father to their kids, in a traditional sense.

I've never been to India, so I can't fully speak to this, but based on the people I know, family and extended family are a big part of people's lives. I watched a video by Esther Perel who talked about individuality versus community. If you are part of a society that strongly values community, then conformity will be more important because conforming to expectations means to belong. In societies that value individuality, conforming is far less important. Even within the U.S., there are varying degrees to which this occurs. For example, there are parts of the U.S. where interracial marriages are deeply frowned upon. Other places it might not matter. If you want to marry someone from a different race, that might mean not belonging to your community if your community frowns upon it. So there you have a choice.

What causes people to get married is also very different from what keeps them married. People may marry for love and find out they are incompatible. Others may marry for compatibility, and then discover they are lonely. Or, they could marry for who knows what reason and they lives happily ever after for fifty years.

What does companionship look like for me, or what do I want out of it? I want someone who is concerned on a daily basis about my emotional well-being, and I want to be concerned about theirs. I want this person to hold me in high esteem and place me above all others. I want someone who challenges me to grow, who comforts me and soothes me.

Who that person is also important in addition to how they treat me. I could marry someone who is nice but dull, which would not be fun. Medium had an article on what makes people attractive to others: curiosity, empathy and humility were their top three traits. I would agree. I would also add laughter. Are they fun? Do they have a sense of humor? Do they love life? Do they have a sense of purpose? Do we share common values? Are they fuckable?

Do they "get" me? Do they like me for the reasons I like me? Do they understand my weaknesses and can live with them?

Likewise, what does a partner want from me? Do they want or need what I have to give? Can I contribute to their happiness, their well-being?

How are all of these things demostrated? Do they listen to me? Do they feel listened to? Can I reasonably disagree with this person? Do we make amends and apologize when things go south?

Can we make dinner together on a Tuesday night? Do they share in the household tasks, so do they expect one person to take care of everything?

Now that I think about it, the most important thing someone needs to know about why to get married is to know themselves and what they value in a relationship. It doesn't matter what the other person brings to the table. If we don't know what we want, how can someone else help provide it?