The big theme of my recovery so far is that I am tired. I don't have pain or discomfort, but I have low energy. Last night, I slept ten hours. Monday, I was so tired there was no amount of caffeine that could have kept me awake.
In a way, I suppose this is what depression feels like -- wanting to sleep a lot, not wanting to go out and do things, being a homebody. If I didn't know I had abdominal surgery two weeks ago, I would have guessed I was depressed. I don't think I am, or at least I hope I'm not. I know this is a hard and slow time as my body recovers. I feel like my insides are like a sea urchin who has been prodded -- they have all collapsed inside of each other, hiding and hibernating. I wish someone would have told me that the main effect would be fatigue. I'm also not feeling like the brightest bulb on the planet. There are several administrative tasks regarding my divorce that I need to wrap up, but I don't have the energy. I have the time, but not the drive.
I was talking to a friend who had her gall bladder removed thirty some years ago, before laparoscopic surgery was invented. She spent months in pain recovering from her abdominal surgery. I am grateful that after two weeks the worst I feel is sluggish.
I imagine this is what it feels like to be very old or stoned all of the time. I really don't want to do a whole lot. My good friend Eleanor Owen lived to be 101, and she had lots of energy. She wasn't running 5K races or paddle boarding, but she was intellectually and spiritually alert.
I am also grateful that today is a beautiful day. I am sitting in the courtyard in the sun, writing and listening to the birds.
In the meantime, I've been listening to Richard Rohr, the Franciscan priest who wrote Breathing Under Water. Rohr's book relates Twelve Step programs to the bible and it is fascinating. This week, I've been listening to one of his old speeches on repeat. I love his concept of the ego and the false self versus the true self. We all have an ego, and the ego isn't necessarily bad. The ego causes problems when that is all we live for: praise, success, control, accomplishments, fame, money, fancy clothes, etc.. I like my shoe collection, but I am not who I am because of it. I am grateful for my surgeon, who removed my cyst, and I appreciate all of her training and education. Nevertheless, I hope when she goes home, she can leave her title and accomplishments at the door, and be at peace.
Rohr believes that the destabilization of the ego is what causes emotional and spiritual suffering. This is different than pain. There is an old expression that pain is part of life, but suffering is optional.
What I am dealing with right now is a pain. I wish I was more mobile and active and had more energy, but I don't. Instead, I am grateful for my short-disability where I can keep my job. I am grateful for laparoscopic surgery. I am grateful for the sunshine and birds. I am grateful for the books I am reading and the crafts I am making. I am grateful for my friends who have brought me meals and taken me out for coffee.
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