Clean Anger

Jack and I have been talking a lot lately about the situation of our marriage since it fell into crisis two months ago.  In many of these conversations, I have been calm, thoughtful and articulate.  In others, I have not.  I have yelled, cried, screamed, and called him a fucking asshole.  I am angry that I was betrayed.  I am angry that I was neglected.  I am angry that I was ignored and not listened to.  I tried to tell him in a rational, calm voice many times that I was lonely, that I needed more from him.  When I told him, he turned away, making the insult even worse.  I was heartbroken and crushed to discover that I had been lied to for a year.  I was also really pissed off.

Jack has been reading Love Busters by Willard Harley, Jr. which was recommended to us by a friend.  There are several love busters, including dishonesty, being critical, and leading an independent life.  Another love buster is anger.  Anger can destroy love.  We had reached an impasse, where he wasn't listening to me, and I would get angry.   The more he wouldn't listen, the more angry I would get.  The more angry I got, the less he would listen.  It was a riptide we couldn't escape.

Jack and I talked to our therapist about my anger and how it made him feel.  He said he felt anxious and clammy when I got angry.  He wanted to curl up in a ball like a pill bug.  I said I got angry after being trampled by a rhino.  A rhino with very thick skin, ignoring me.

The therapist said my anger is clean anger, anger that is a result of protest or protecting boundaries, versus abusive anger.  Protest is saying I am hurt or this isn't working.  My anger is not abusive with intent to hurt or destroy him.  My anger is my heart trying to protect itself.

Small as it is, this is progress.