Past, Present and Future

Last night I was down at the park and I ran into a neighbor.  I told her about the lump in my breast and how I had the rapid evaluation this week.  She asked, "When you found the lump, did you question your past?"  She was curious, not judgmental.

Interestingly, I didn't wonder about my past.  I was worried about the future.  I was surprised at my answer.  I didn't look back at all -- only forward.  My first thoughts were about if I didn't survive.  What would I miss about my kids' lives, like weddings, graduations and grandkids?  Then I became more practical:  What would the next year look like?  Would I have another birthday?  How sick would I become?  Would I have to cancel our upcoming vacations?  Would I have to cancel a walk with a friend that I had scheduled for Thursday?

Do I question my past?  Very often, I do, which is why I was surprised at my answer.  I often look back to my decision to become a stay-at-home mom and not having paid employment.  I look back at the factors that lead to that decision, like having a full-term stillbirth followed by a miscarriage.  I look at the friends I've made and the work I've done as a volunteer.  Being a mom doesn't come with high levels of intellectual fulfillment or a grand sense of accomplishment like the paid work force can provide.  Instead, I saw my kids grow up.  My decision was for me, not so much them.

I also look at the past few years with Jack, and how difficult at times they have been.  In the past two months, I have not really been able to look at the future as I have been too busy trying to figure out what happened in the past.  Jack wants to push it behind him and focus on the present:  What is he doing today to show that he loves me and the kids?  I am moving more into the present, but it hard when the past has been so painful, more than I realized at the time.

Last night, the Boy and I watched Up while Jack was working.  My present viewpoint on marriage is skewed from what it was months ago given recent events and how Jack's workaholism nearly destroyed our marriage.  I always thought I'd grow old with Jack, just like Carl and Ellie in the movie.  Now I am questioning if that will be possible.  I feel cynical and angry that my life so much more complicated than it was before.  I always thought my dying words to Jack would be "Thank you for being part of my life."  Now I am not so sure.

The future is hard for me to see, and a possible brush with cancer forced me to look ahead.  The biggest thing I fear about the future -- a cancer free one, thankfully-- is the lack of control I have if I stay with Jack.  It is not that I couldn't make decisions about my future:  I will still have free will.  In order for our marriage to succeed, Jack needs to change.  He needs to get his workaholism under control for this marriage to work, and I have very little power to change that.  I can support him, but my support will only go so far.  I tried to help in the past, and it only made things worse.  I told him I needed him to work less, and he resented my intrusion.  As far as staying in this marriage goes, right now I am here on faith -- faith that the future will be better than the past.  It is hard to faith in someone who let me down so badly in the past.  As Jack says, I need to keep looking at his present behavior.  Is he trying to change?