I'm Gonna Die

I am going to die.

Let me explain.

As you may have heard, Seattle has been hit with COVID-19, a novel virus that has caused the death of a small number of elderly people with health problems. 72,000 people died in 2017 from opioid overdoses in the US. Why are people alarmed about COVID-19 and not oxycodone? As father said, "Opioid addiction isn't contagious." He's got a point.

Nevertheless, I am playing it safe and washing my hands like a raccoon with OCD. I spent a small fortune at the grocery store in case I get hit.

Also because the restaurants are temporarily closing due to lack of business and I might not have any place to eat.

I am more worried about passing this germ on to a medically fragile person than getting the plague myself. I stocked up on groceries today in case I need to be quarantined. My HOA sent out a nice (not) little note telling us if we get the plague, that we will need to be quarantined and we had better have two weeks of food on hand and not spread germs in the elevator. I get that we don't want our condo building making the world news because we have this germ. Whoever said "there is no such thing as bad press" hasn't spoke to the Director of the Living Care Center.

In other Seattle news, the Boy went back to Montana today. The next big step for Jack and I is to plan for what happens next year for him. This is a fraught conversation as we don't know yet if the Boy will come back to Seattle or if he will spend another year in Montana in a transitional program with supported independence.

This morning before he left I was sitting with him in his old bedroom and I told him,

"I am going to die."

He laughed.  "Sorry, Mom, I know it's not funny but the way you said it..." he said.

I love him because he laughed, because it was funny at the time.

"I am going to die someday and you need to be able to take care of yourself. Whatever plan we come with for next year will need to set you up so you can take care of yourself and your mental health for the rest of your life. I need to make sure you are independent. If another year in Montana will get you there, then I am for it. If you had leukemia, I wouldn't stop treatment 75% through. I'd want you to finish."

He got the point. As a parent, I love my child. In a perfect world, I would like my child to love me back, but that is not what I need or expect. I hope that someday the Boy will pass down the love I have for him to someone else. I want him to be connected. Maybe he will be the father of a large family. Maybe he will have a large circle of friends. Maybe he will do important work in the community that will connect him to people he doesn't know. In all of these cases, he will need to bring his best and healthiest self forward. I need to continue to figure out what will best help to get him there.

Deep in my heart, I would love to have him home, but I have to admit I am terrified that he will regress and I will not have the skills to support him.