I was Right!, Bow Down and a Very Dark Thought

I was right! The corona virus data from China is wrong! I knew it! All of my years of looking at data and looking for trends proved me right! And a whole bunch of other people, too, as the New York Times reported this morning:

China Created a Fail-Safe System to Track Contagions. It Failed.

"After doctors in Wuhan began treating clusters of patients stricken with a mysterious pneumonia in December, the reporting was supposed to have been automatic. Instead, hospitals deferred to local health officials who, over a political aversion to sharing bad news, withheld information about cases from the national reporting system — keeping Beijing in the dark and delaying the response.

The central health authorities first learned about the outbreak not from the reporting system but after unknown whistle-blowers leaked two internal documents online."

In short, the doctors reported the data to local officials who were (my wording) afraid to share the data with the Chinese government because it wasn't good news. Also, the situation had to be worse than the data suggests. A country of 1.4 billion people does not go into lock down because a few hundred people  died in a few weeks. This article looks at the outbreak--I am more concerned about the follow-up: If we can't trust the data in the early stages, how can we trust their data that the cases have miraculously dried up, when Italy, Spain and the US are seeing far more cases and a greater rate of death for those who tested positive?

From March 16, 2020

From March 30, 2020

I know COVID was in China since December, and I know they had a major lock-down, but how could have had so few cases when the rest of the world was ramping up? Did it really die down that fast? I can't believe that their numbers would stall so dramatically. I hope to god I am wrong.

In less depressing news...the State of Washington is kicking ass! Bow Down!

1. Social Distancing works! Boo-yah! Washington's spread of COVID is slowing. Maybe some it is because Seattleites aren't the most warm and welcoming...

Since college basketball is offline due to the virus, maybe we need brackets to track the virus by state? The winning state will be the one who has the lowest rates of infection and death. I think Ohio will win because their governor shut down the whole state the first time someone sneezed. Tell Urban Meyer to lead the cause and they have to beat Michigan and watch the Buckeye State have the least amount of illness in the world.

2. Congrats to Mercer Island High School student Avi Schiffmann for making the COVID-19 tracking website ncov2019.live.

3. Dr. Helen Chu is another amazing Washingtonian. She was the first to discover COVID-19 in the U.S.

While Washington is my adopted home, I have to give a shout out to my fellow NU alums who are keeping us entertained during this epic crisis. What a Herculean task to find humor in this challenging time where the best thing most of us can do to help is nothing. Yay Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyer, with a special cheer for Julia-Louis Dreyfus who appeared on Jimmy Kimmel. (I think Jimmy Kimmel has a massive crush on JLD based on this interview. He looks like a love-struck schoolboy, bless his heart.) I also nominate Trevor Noah to be an honorary Northwestern Alum. I love his interview with Dr. Tony Fauci.

Here is my dark thought: the major impact of Corona on Seattle is suppose to start around April 7.

Which means there are a whole bunch of people walking around around right now feeling fine who in a week will find themselves very, very ill. Some will not recover.

"Jesus, Lauren. That is really, really dark. Why are you sharing this? I am going to stop reading your blog!" is what I thought to myself.

But isn't that life? We don't know what is around the corner. It could be love. It could be death. We don't know and there are some many things over which we have no control. I guess the best I have is eat like you are going to live forever (that body has to last a long time) and love like you are going to die tomorrow.

Vacuum Cleaner & Lucky

Here is the rest of the exciting story of of my vacuum cleaner and what I am doing to save the world by staying home.

Here is the history of the vacuum cleaner. When we bought the condo, Jack bought about 75% of the stuff for it off of Craig's List, including the vacuum cleaner. Jack spent hours scouring the internet trying to find the best stuff at the best deal, and he did a nice job though at times I was annoyed that he'd spend eight hours on a Saturday looking for a couch. He did score with the barely used McKinnon cherry dining room table and the solid cherry desk. Other stuff he found was meh, like this vacuum cleaner. It is a cyclone Bissell that he found for $40. A new one is $120, but this is way less than the $500 Dyson at the house which is the best vacuum cleaner I've ever owned. I bought the Dyson before we moved to Seattle in 2004 and it is still just as good as it was the day I bought it.

In our life, we have more money than time. So when Jack spends four hours looking for a vacuum cleaner for $40 plus going to pick it up and all of the emails and logistics to go with it, I get a little irked that he saved like $65 instead of buying a new one, especially since it wasn't like he got a Dyson for $40. I don't really complain because I believe in the re-use, re-sale economy. Better for us to get a used vacuum cleaner instead of it ending up in a landfill.

When we got the used vacuum cleaner, it was mediocre. I wished we had just bought a Dyson. But whatever. The condo is small and there aren't small kids running around so a cheap little vacuum cleaner was fine.

Yesterday was the first time I vacuumed since I cleaner the super clogged and flithy filter. It was amazing. It was like I got a brand new vacuum cleaner! It was almost as good as the Dyson. For $40! On Craig's List!

Which got me thinking -- I bet the first owner never cleaned the filter. I bet the clogged filter caused the vacuum not work properly so he got rid of it. Moral of the story: it pays to a) read the instructions when you buy an appliance and b) take care of your stuff.

I read the newspaper this morning, which was a mistake. I read lots of depressing articles about increases in frequency and intensity of domestic violence, Covidivorce, and how the army is helping Seattle set up a temporary hospital in CenturyLink Field Event Center. Jack said the surge of illnesses in Seattle is predicted to hit in nine days, which is when hospitals will need extra beds. I did read a positive article: dogs are happy their owners are home. Dogs will probably slump into depression when everyone goes back to work when this settles down.

I read another article about how the corona quarantine impacts people differently. White collar workers are the luckiest. Grocery store workers are expected to continue to work. The face the public every and are exposed to anyone who might be ill. Restaurant workers are out of a job.

I am very lucky I have a job I can do at home. I won't miss my next paycheck. I don't have to interface with the public and expose myself to the virus. The worst problem I have with work is not trying to find enough hospital beds for the gravely ill. The worst problem I have at is that conference calls are a mess. My personal life is wanting exciting, but I am grateful that I am healthy (so far) and I have a job.

Quarantine: Day ??? & Essential

Yesterday at work, we were supposed to have a virtual Happy Hour, but it ended up being mostly a virtual Budget Planning Session for FY2021. Nevertheless, we all got our glass of wine, beer or whiskey. When we had a break in the discussion, my manager asked me first to talk about some outside story of my life.

"I got nothing," I said. "Seriously."

"Really?" he said.

"Okay. There was a tennis ball stuck in the ledge of one of my skylights. I got a ladder and a broom and I got it down."

Here is a picture of the rescued tennis ball. It does not bounce. I tried.

You can see how the sun bleached it in some spots and not others.

This is a picture from the top of the skylight from whence the tennis ball was rescued.


In other fun news, my health app on my phone confirmed what I already knew: I am a slug.

No shit, Sherlock. I am socially distancing. And I might also lose my hearing because I am jacking up the volume on my headphones.

I did go for another walk the other day. The weather is cold and crappy, so it was only me, dog walkers and a cyclist. I walked near the Sculpture Gardens near Broad Street. This is Belltown at 6:00 p.m. during the week.

What else? Oh yeah. I realized I needed to clean the filter on my vacuum cleaner. It was spitting our dust and I was like why? and then I saw it had a filter that needed to be cleaned. I didn't even know it had a filter that needed to be cleaned. There was a giant layer of dust like a millimeter thick (which is a lot for dust) that it probably blocked the airflow and could have broken the machine. When I pulled the sponge out, it was black. Then I washed it and it turns out the sponge was really yellow. It was really gross, but you know how some really gross chores can be so satisfying because you just made something really icky much less so? It was like that.

(No before or after pictures of vacuum filter. Sorry.)

I am looking forward to vacuuming again soon. I hope it cleans better now, not that it was bad before, but you know, increased performance.

I am saving the best for last! I am essential! Jack sent me a link to the state's website letting me know I am essential.

https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/6817901-FINAL-WA-Essential-Critical-Infrastructure.html#document/p8

In case you can't find me, I'm on page 10. I also got a letter from the President of my company letting officials know I can go to work in case Marshall Law goes into effect. I won't post a picture of the letter because then people could pretend they were me and go to my job and do my work.

Jack is on page one, second to people who test for the Corona virus and are conducting Corona research.

n & Delta, and I've never been to Milan

You know how Mark Twain said "Speak when you are angry and you will give the best speech you will ever regret?"

I just wrote an angry, resentful, pissed off blog post and didn't publish it. To those who were the target of my ire, you are welcome for my restraint. In my recovery group, I am learning about patience and compassion. You are supposed to be patient and have compassion for people who are pissing you off, I guess.

Yeah. Right. I am not there yet, my favorite phrase to describe a state of transcendence I one day aspire to but am far from the goal. I've been imprisoned locked isolated socially distancing in my condo for three weeks now and it sucks. Tonight, Jack sent me a horrific article* about the suffering in Bergamo in northern Italy and then I think "I can take one for the team by staying in." Bergamo is in Lombardy, which is also the home to Lake Como where George Clooney has a vacation house. Thirty miles from Bergamo is Milan, the men's fashion capital of the west. I wish I would have visited Milan before. It sounds amazing. (Side note: The Ferragamo factory is now making hospital masks instead of shoes.) If this wealthy, educated, cultured and sophisticated region has turned into a hell hole, what luck do less fortunate areas have?

Trigger warning: The shit in the NYT article is bad. If you believe in corona virus, then you can skip it. If you are a covidiot, then please take a look at the horror. Jack is an ICU doc here in Seattle. In Bergamo, they had a seven bed ICU which they expanded to ninety, which brings me to tonight's theme.

n

This in statistical terms means number, like the number of a sample size.

My next favorite term is delta, which is the difference between two numbers.

Starting ICU beds n = 7

Current ICU beds n = 90

Delta = 83. 

They needed more than ten times the number of beds than they had.

Another interesting tidbit about the Italian case: They didn't notice corona virus first. What they first noticed was an uptick in deaths, which begged the question, what the fuck?

Italy has about 60M people and an annual death rate of 1%. The death rate fluctuates by season. More people probably die during flu season than they do in the summer. Adjusted for this rate, Italian health officials noticed an 80% increase in deaths in a short period of time. So if a hundred people die in a week in a town, and all of a sudden 180 die, people will in the town will notice. Right now, Italy's death rate from corona exceeds ten percent of known cases.

Twelve Sixteen hundred people in the US have died so far of corona. While I don't know anyone personally who has died of it, I know three people who know someone who died. One of the people was 61 and in generally good health, like a walking around, able bodied person which went from fine to dead in two weeks.

We can watch the number infected and the number died, but they doesn't tell us the whole story. There are people not tested who live and people not tested who die. It is the number of beds that are needed in hospitals and the increasing death rate tell us a better story.

Other n's I wonder about:

• Are there more or fewer 911 calls during COVID? I bet calls have gone down as fewer people are out and there are likely fewer accidents.
• Domestic violence -- up or down? I think up. People are stuck at home all day with their families. Tempers can flare, and regular abusers might be on a roll.
• Alcoholism: Are more or fewer people drinking? Are more people sobering up because the bars are closed? Are more people now unable to deny their spouse's/significant other's/parent's drinking problem because of proximity?
• Pot smokers: Up or down? Are people in legal weed states getting high as a result of boredom? If so, that is a bad idea because pot makes people even more bored. They crave novelty, and then everything mundane seems exceptionally dull.
• Drug use: How are drug users getting their fix? Are these people who broke drugs laws willing to violate social distancing? I don't know.
• Common colds and flus: Are we in general a little bit less cruddy because we are also isolating ourselves from rhinovirus and influenza?
• Vaccines: Come on! Vaccinate your kids. If there were a corona virus vaccine would you get it? I would only if the highest risk groups got it before me. Yes, there should be an order and I am not on the top of the list.
• Car accidents: How many fewer car accidents are there? Did that death rate drop?
• Violent Crime: How many fewer murders and assaults occurred since social distancing?

Sorry for the downer post. Tomorrow I will try to be less morose. I promise. Here is a picture of flowers to make you me us feel better.

Non-Essential & Mom-in-Chief

As you may have heard, the State of Washington is on a stay-at-home order from the Governor as of Monday night. I am a non-essential employee so I get to work from home. Lots of people work form home at my office, so the pace of work hasn't dropped much if at all. For me, this is the beginning of my third week of working from home as part of social distancing and I am getting kind of used to it. I am find myself to be really hilarious even if no one is around to enjoy my humor besides me and Fox. Fox is a good dog. At times he is kind of needy with me around all day. Other times he's like "Why are you here? I am trying to hide a bone from you. That bone you gave me? You might take it back so I need to hide it under the blanket on the couch."

Last night after work, I was driving to Madison Park where I had an appointment. I left downtown at 5:05 and made it to Madison Park by 5:19. Pre-covid, I would leave work at 4:45 and get there at 5:20. Aside from the line thirty people deep outside a pot shop on Capitol Hill, Seattle was dead. I parked right in front of my therapists office--no problem. It was weird. Now I know what it would have been like to live in Seattle in 1972. I feel like I am living in the Upside Down (see: Stranger Things) minus the flower monsters.

(Shots of downtown Seattle today at 5:30 p.m. Normally it is very busy with people walking and packed with cars.)

The biggest challenge for me is eating in for 21 meals a week. This is a serious struggle. (Well, not getting enough exercise should be my biggest struggle, but I like food more than yoga and Zumba.) I went to Pike Place Market Sunday and stocked up on fresh vegetables. I was probably a wee bit too ambitious. I had to make an inventory of my vegetables so I wouldn't forget what is in my fridge and find it weeks later all composted.

I also bought some fruit. "An apple a day keeps the doctor" away but I prefer oranges.

Garlic keeps away vampires.

Vitamins provides nutrients I can't get enough of from food.

Top Pot doughnuts are yummy. And I am supporting a local business! Go me!

I saw a video online of a doctor in Chicago talking about covid. She has lived in Illinois her whole life. I love the sound of her voice. When I listened to her, I felt like I knew her, that we might have been friends if I never left Chicago. She is a badass.

It got me thinking. Instead of Commander-in-Chief, we need a Mom-in-Chief running the country. Seriously. Her is what she might say:

"I know this is a tough time for everyone, but seriously, do you want Grandma to die? Cause that is what is going to happen you don't wash you hands, sneeze into your elbow and stay home. Sure, I'll let you out to get food, but wash your hands before you go out and stand six feet away from your cashier. 

"Now, about the jobs. Waiters and waitresses are out of work and that sucks because many of them are young and live paycheck to paycheck. So, we are going to dip into the family bank account to help them out while we try not to kill Grandma and Grandpa. No, I am not giving you money for new yoga pants Claire-Adele*! I'll make sure your rent is paid while we get through this crunch. Seriously? I don't care if your airline stock price is in the toilet and you want to buy it back Lululemon is having a clearance sale! Grow up! We are having a crisis. If you want to walk the dog, that is fine but chill. By the way Grandma -- you need to STAY HOME FROM WORK! Everyone in North America is staying home so you don't get sick. I know you have the strongest work ethic on the planet, but don't be a covidiot. You are in the highest risk category. And Grandpa--you can live for three weeks without eating a restaurant. Come on. Your cooking isn't that bad. Watch a YouTube video on how to cook salmon.

"And don't worry. It may feel like the end of the world, but it is not. Now go watch Netflix, be nice to your brother and leave Mommy alone. She has to figure out a way to get hospital masks, gloves and ventilators to healthcare workers."

* Not the real Claire-Adele. She is making apple pie in Maryland with her boyfriend.

Working from Home, Beer and Girl Scout Cookies

I've been working from home for two weeks. Yeah, it sucks, but yesterday we had "Virtual Happy Hour" where we all grabbed a glass of wine, logged onto Teams, and shot the shit for three hours. It was fun, but not as fun as regular Happy Hour.  We asked each other questions like, "What is on your plague bucket list?" and "If you could have any job in our company, what would it be?" A friend on Facebook asked "What song should we sing out the windows like the Italians?" (My vote: Somewhere Over the Rainbow but there were lots of other good ideas: I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor, We Will Rock You by Queen and Imagine by John Lennon.) That question didn't work for my co-workers because half are not from America so we don't have a common song book. My next question for the group: Where is the first place you are going to go or what are you going to do when social distancing is over? I need to start a list.

When I started working from home two weeks ago, I decided I was going to wear my regular work clothes and put on make-up everyday. This week, I moved to sweats and my favorite ratty pink sweatshirt which I wrote about years ago. One day around eleven o'clock, I noticed a funny taste in my mouth and realized I hadn't brushed my teeth. Yesterday, I actually had a great hair day but no one was around to notice. I also painted my toenails yesterday, because I still like painted toenails. My manager said he got a haircut the other day.

I replied, "So you are more vain than you are afraid of germs?" He paused before replying to my sassy remark.

"I was looking uncivilized." I can relate. I just got my haircut three weeks ago which means my hair is reaching its perfect peak. Six weeks from now will be a disaster.

Half of us are going to come out of social distancing looking amazing because we will be all salt-rubbed (me) and moisturized (me) and continuing our at home yoga practice (not me). Some of us will not. Some of us will be mixed--half gorgeous and half whatever.

I am going to be mixed.

I am getting fat. I can tell because my sweatpants are getting snug and my jacket is getting tight across the chest. Why? Why am I gaining weight? My butt is getting so round Kim Kardashian is going to ask me now I got my booty. I'll tell her the Top Pot Doughnuts on First and Stewart is still open. I am eating out so much less i.e., not at all except yesterday when I went to the Market to stockpile steaks and vegetables and Pirosky was open. Okay, every other day I need to get out for ten minutes and get coffee or a croissant or something. I tried going to the Biscuit Bitch, but they were closed. A month ago, there was a line out the door at the Bitch. Now...nada.

I thought by eating at home I'd lose weight. Nope. I am not getting exercise or physical activity. When I'd go out to eat, I'd at least walk a few blocks. I'd walk to work. I am also getting stiff. Now, I walk up and down the stairs of my condo a few times a day. That is it.

What I am doing, besides work, which is still kind of busy? I made homemade hand sanitizer! One part Aloe Vera, 9 parts rubbing alcohol (70%). Voila! Hand Sani!

What else? A bar in my neighborhood has beer to go.

It looks like a Girl Scout Cookie stand, except beer. Very cool.

Speaking of Girl Scout cookies, spring is fundraising season in Seattle. In springs past before I had a day job, I would attend fundraiser luncheons for a bunch of causes. Now, these are all canceled. I was supposed to attend a fundraiser for the Seattle Public Library last week which exceeded the gathering limit of two hundred and fifty people. (I think now we are down to gatherings of five people.) How many charitable organizations are going to suffer? Sure, it is more fun to each lunch and give money than to go online a make a donation, but hey. There are groups out there who need our help. Pick one of your favorites and send them a few bucks.

The Daily Death Toll, Italy and Stephen

Every morning when I wake up, I check the Daily Death Toll in the New York Times. I used to hate listening to NPR because it seemed like every time I got in the car and turned on the radio, NPR was reporting on how many people died in a mudslide in South America or died of flooding in Southeast Asia. If there was a cause of massive death anywhere in the world, they told you about it, which was not what I wanted to hear first thing in the morning as I was driving Claire-Adele to preschool with the Boy in his baby bucket. I'd listen rock, alternative, oldies, country--anything but the Daily Death Toll.

And now, the first thing I do when I grab my phone is see how many people have. I take a screenshot so I can track the changes over time. I'll probably create my own spreadsheet. If I do, I'll be sure to share it with you.

Italy has an 8.29% death rate of people who get this. That is like zero to dead in a few weeks. Jack has been working with doctors in Italy who are trying to figure out what is going on as it is happening. As of a few days ago, there have been zero deaths of people under the age of 20, and 13 deaths of people under the age of 50. They said the median age of death is 80 in Italy, which means half of the people who died are older than 80. Why? Because prior to COVID, Italians lived forever. The reason Italy is the second oldest country in the world is because Italians don't die. My mom is from an Italian family and my grandfather died at around 95 with very few health problems. And he died young for his family. His sisters and mom all lived to be 100, 101, 102. My friend Eleanor is Italian and she is 99 and she is healthy as a horse and sharp as a fox. Eleanor and my grandfather are/were able-bodied and out and about in their nineties. It is truly amazing. Prior to COVID, one of my neighbors downtown was planning to retire in Italy. Maybe they wanted to drink from the fountain of old age.

[Trivia: The children's hospital is Rome translates to Baby Jesus Hospital. Ospedale Pediatrico Bambino Gesù is the Italian name. Isn't that adorable?]

The daily death toll is a lot, so I have to look for some humor in all of this, which is when I turn to Stephen Colbert. He has been doing a segment from his home and posting it on YouTube. It is brilliant.

Bright Colors, Fear, Hope and Jobs

I haven't really left the condo since Sunday to walk the dog and I am going a little nuts. I am trying to make lemonade out of these lemons of social distancing, but I am having a really, really hard time.

I saw on Facebook that a friend of mine's daughter was stuck in the basement so she painted the walls with all kinds of little pictures. It was really cool. I am painting my walls, but all one color. In Seattle, we had a gradual clamp down: first Microsoft and Amazon started working from home, then the governor canceled all events with more than 250 people, then the restaurants and bars closed down. I missed a UW Drama performance, the Pacific Northwest Ballet, and a Sounders game. I figure I missed being in close proximity to several thousand people, and they I.

Somewhere between canceling events with 250 people and restaurants shutting down, I went to the hardware store (I love you, Hero Ace Hardware on 4th) and bought paint for the bedroom and landing.

I really love this purple. I am surprised I picked it because usually I go for safe and neutral colors, like beige or yellow. I might go wild and pick a light green or light blue. These colors are tapping into my inner twelve year girl. I don't know if I would like picked these colors when I was twelve, but these colors make me unbashedly happy. I smile when I wake up and see the lavender wall.

'

I also bought a mixer in case Claire-Adele comes home. Right now, she is going to stay at her apartment on the east coast. She has been watching "The Great British Bake Off" and what she most misses is the Kitchen Aid. 

Bright colors seem fitting for the end of the world.

But is is really the end of the world? I heard a prayer from a friend the other day that there have always been tough times, but we need to look at what these times give us: patience, courage, faith. We learn new capabilities, like the ability to mourn, and we learn how much we need one and other. That was so nice to hear. I really needed that.

This time alone has really been testing my emotional sobriety. I've been in Al-Anon for a few months, and I have been doing quite well and feeling a lot better. Part of that is because I have found community, and that is gone. My community at work is different. I miss getting coffee and going to lunch with my co-workers, probably the best part of my workday.

Aside from the loneliness and isolation, I am discovering another unpleasant feeling: fear. I am afraid of myself, that I am carrying this virus asymptomatically. I wonder if other people are afraid of me. I am not used to fear. I fear myself more than I fear the virus and other people. When I was walking the dog, I saw a few other people. I wonder if the people in my condo building would freak out if I became the first resident to contract Covid. Would I be shunned? Will people secretly wonder if I washed my hands enough, covered my cough? Did I touch my face and then touch a doorknob?

I don't know how long this is going to last, or what havoc this will play on the medical system. Would this disease greatly exceed the capacity of our current health care system? Maybe, but is that such a bad thing relative to social distancing? While I am all in favor of keeping people healthy, how long can this last? 

Here is a horrible thought: I am thinking about the greater economy. (There is a nice article from the New York Times here.) What will happen to the 13.8 million people working in the restaurant, transportation, lodging, and entertainment industries who are now out of work for a few weeks? I am guessing many of these people live paycheck-to-paycheck. What happens when they can't pay their rent or buy food? The rest of the economy suffers. And I am not talking about the Dow Jones Industrial Average--the stock market is only one part of the economy, but other parts are about jobs for everybody. How can we support these workers and the people who at risk of getting sick? How can we better manage the capacity of our healthcare system?

Phobia and Fomites

I coughed a dozen times in the past 18 hours and I have a runny nose which means I am going to be dead in two weeks.

Nevermind I woke up with itchy eyes and don't have a fever. Nevermind that this is what the world looks like outside my window and the tree pollen count in Seattle today is high. (Who knew the Weather Channel tracks pollen counts? Good to know.) Nevermind that this is still cold and flu season.

Damn you, tree pollen!

I thought of something else that may be spreading COVID-19: smart phones.

Jack taught me the term "fomite" ages ago when I was pregnant with Claire-Adele. We walked past a pediatricians' office next to my OB's office and there were a half dozen kids playing in the waiting room. Jack cringed. 

"That is fomite central," he said. 

"What a fomite?" I asked.

"Things that people touch that pass germs along," he said. "Like all of those toys. A kid with a runny nose touches is and boom, every other kid that touches it get a runny nose."

Yeah. This is what it is like to co-parent with a pediatrician. You learn the whole world is an epic hazard for disease and death. 

I digress. Back to the phone. As I mentioned in a recent blog post, I have been washing my hands like a raccoon with OCD. What I have not been cleaning is my phone, which I touch more than I touch my mouth, nose and eyes combined.

So I worked out Friday morning before work so I don't turn into a potato during my quasi-quarantine. I washed my hands before I went to the health club. I didn't touch the door knob. I scanned my own card. I didn't touch the hand rails to go down the steps. I put my stuff in a locker and then went to the elliptical where I put on my headphones, got out my phone, picked a play list and worked out to the silent televisions screens showing CNN, MSNBC and HULU news which was 100% about COVID-19. The commercials showed people hugging and high-fiving and shaking hands and I am thinking, "What the fuck? They are all gonna die." When I finished, I picked up my phone, sprayed down the machine and got my purse and coat out of my locker. I wiped down the lock and inside of the locker with a wipe. I used hand-sanitizer on my way out. When I got home, I checked my bank and investment balances on my phone, which is another sad story for a different day.

Did I ever clean my phone in this process? No. Theoretically, if I clean my hands all of the time, I should be good, but I use my phone in between. Is this maybe why kids aren't getting COVID at the same rate as adults? I know the people in the nursing home weren't using phones, but maybe this is one way how it spreads.

Maybe?

Quarantine and Pass Notes

I am on Day 1 of a sort of self-selected quarantine in Seattle. My manager recommended we all work from home (because we can) until this bug settles out. Microsoft and Amazon told their people to work from home, too, but working at those places is worse than taking a cruise in terms of close and contained quarters. I went into the office yesterday because my condo was undergoing a plumbing project and my unit was out of running water from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.. Rather than run to my health club (it's in the same block) every time I had to pee, I decided to work at work instead. Only a handful of people were in the office, so it isn't likely that germs are going to spread too far or too fast there.

Today, on the other hand, sucked. I am not meant to work at home. I've been home for fifteen hours and I am done. I got up this morning and made a batch of chili before I started work, but then I had to resist the urge to clean my kitchen. I don't know when I became the type of person who is unsettled by mess.

#whyiworkatwork

I've been thinking a lot about food this week and the egregious amount of money I spent on groceries Sunday. I am embarrassed to say how much I spent, but in a way I bought a month's worth of food, maybe more. The way I lived before the quarantine is the opposite of a Costco mentality. Instead of stocking up, I try to run out of food before I buy more, which means my pantry is often bare. I live so close to Pike Place Market, I walk there after work and pick up what I am going to eat. Other nights, I'll go out to dinner with friends. Other nights, I'll eat leftovers, either from what I made for dinner the night before or from a restaurant. The concept of having enough food for two weeks is out of my wheelhouse.

But I am trying.

After work, I made bean soup to compliment my chili. I am going to freeze most of this and eat it later, which got me wondering: am I better off cooking my own food or going out to eat? Restaurants are inspected for food safety. My kitchen is not. I'm pretty clean, but I am also the same person who eats ice cream straight out of the carton. What if this food has future corona virus in it? Or, am I crazy?

Back to my food budget. I went to MetMarket to buy groceries. Go ahead. Judge me. I had to splurge! Plus it is so posh and overpriced no one else shops there so I didn't have to deal with the cesspool that is the U Village QFC teaming with hundreds of college students and empty shelves. If I am going hunker down, I want to eat well. I can't just buy a block of cheddar and three bags of tortillas and eat quesadillas for two weeks! I could, but why? I did buy a block of cheddar and tortillas, but not only that. I bought goat cheese and prosciutto and chocolate in addition to flour and yeast to make bread if it gets that bad. I even bought the fancy Met Market Blood Orange soda. With all of this food, I should have a party, but that's not going to happen.

I've developed a massive case of hypochondria. I sneezed this morning and am convinced I have COVID-19 and will inadvertently murder a handful of elderly people in my condo building if I take the elevator.

I feel tired, but that might be because I spent all of last week with the Boy coming back from boarding school. My friend Cara asked me today how I was feeling.

"You must be exhausted from being on red alert the whole week," she said. 

"Yes!" I said. 

That is so true, and I'm still in a little bit of shock after his Home Pass. Monday, my manager at our weekly stand-up asked my about my trip and the Boy's visit.

"It was good. It was fine. Yeah, it was nice," I said.

"That's it!? You were gone for a week and that is all you are going to say?" he said.

The scope of the week was so big and intense I can't even fully grasp it. It is going to take me a few days to unpack it. I am not alone, thankfully, even though one of my favorite Al-Anon meetings has been canceled due to the virus. Fortunately, I am on an email chain with other moms in the Boy's group which really helps me sort all of this out as I see them go through the same stuff I am dealing with.

In many if not most ways, the visit was so good. The Boy has grown so much, as I have I. I am starting to think of this just like he left for college early, and his visits back are like Claire-Adele's visits home. It makes me a little more happy for him rather than sad for me.

I'm Gonna Die

I am going to die.

Let me explain.

As you may have heard, Seattle has been hit with COVID-19, a novel virus that has caused the death of a small number of elderly people with health problems. 72,000 people died in 2017 from opioid overdoses in the US. Why are people alarmed about COVID-19 and not oxycodone? As father said, "Opioid addiction isn't contagious." He's got a point.

Nevertheless, I am playing it safe and washing my hands like a raccoon with OCD. I spent a small fortune at the grocery store in case I get hit.

Also because the restaurants are temporarily closing due to lack of business and I might not have any place to eat.

I am more worried about passing this germ on to a medically fragile person than getting the plague myself. I stocked up on groceries today in case I need to be quarantined. My HOA sent out a nice (not) little note telling us if we get the plague, that we will need to be quarantined and we had better have two weeks of food on hand and not spread germs in the elevator. I get that we don't want our condo building making the world news because we have this germ. Whoever said "there is no such thing as bad press" hasn't spoke to the Director of the Living Care Center.

In other Seattle news, the Boy went back to Montana today. The next big step for Jack and I is to plan for what happens next year for him. This is a fraught conversation as we don't know yet if the Boy will come back to Seattle or if he will spend another year in Montana in a transitional program with supported independence.

This morning before he left I was sitting with him in his old bedroom and I told him,

"I am going to die."

He laughed.  "Sorry, Mom, I know it's not funny but the way you said it..." he said.

I love him because he laughed, because it was funny at the time.

"I am going to die someday and you need to be able to take care of yourself. Whatever plan we come with for next year will need to set you up so you can take care of yourself and your mental health for the rest of your life. I need to make sure you are independent. If another year in Montana will get you there, then I am for it. If you had leukemia, I wouldn't stop treatment 75% through. I'd want you to finish."

He got the point. As a parent, I love my child. In a perfect world, I would like my child to love me back, but that is not what I need or expect. I hope that someday the Boy will pass down the love I have for him to someone else. I want him to be connected. Maybe he will be the father of a large family. Maybe he will have a large circle of friends. Maybe he will do important work in the community that will connect him to people he doesn't know. In all of these cases, he will need to bring his best and healthiest self forward. I need to continue to figure out what will best help to get him there.

Deep in my heart, I would love to have him home, but I have to admit I am terrified that he will regress and I will not have the skills to support him.

Muffins, Moms and Woke

The Boy is in Seattle for the first time in nine months. Today the Boy made my famous cranberry muffins. I never knew how much he loved them until he was gone and then told me about it.

I helped melt the butter and then grease the muffin tins, and that was it. He made the muffins by himself.

He also made dinner last night. He wants to learn to cook, which is interesting because Claire-Adele is a really good cook. Really good. I remember a few years ago we took the Boy to a soccer game and Claire-Adele called and asked when we were coming home. She was kind of pissed.

"I made dinner. Chinese dumplings and chop suey. I found a recipe online, went to QFC and bought the ingredients. I made the noodles myself," she said. It was delicious. She knows how to read a recipe and can predict what it will taste like. She also makes a mean chicken parmesan and a wicked pie crust.

The Boy might have been intimidated by her, or intimidated by his perfectionist father. In either case, he is getting over it.

Today I woke up feeling grateful for the other moms at the Boy's school. At the parents workshop this week, I got to hang out with the parents in the Boy's group. Some are ahead of me, and others are behind. Some are nearly at the same spot. In all cases, these are well meaning, well educated and caring parents who didn't know how to take care of their child. When I see them, they make me feel less alone and feel less bad about myself and my parenting skills. If I just had Claire-Adele, I might think I jacked it out of the park, hitting a home run as a parent. Instead I think she is who she is, the Boy is who he is, and I did the best I could with both. After the Boy ended up in Wildie, I thought about how helpless I was. I realized I had very little to do with Claire-Adele's success. I gave her fertile ground but she planted the seeds and tended her garden. The Boy needed a different environment than what we could give him. I think of him as an orchid and Claire-Adele as my daisy. Claire-Adele could grow anywhere. The Boy needs special conditions to grow. I think he will be fine in the long run once he knows how to take care of himself.

This weekend, I am feeling therapeutically woke, as the Boy says about himself. I have more to go, but when I saw the new parents this weekend, I realize how far I have come in the past ten months. I can see these new parents who aren't fully aware yet of what they need to do to connect with their kids as their kids are learning new skills.

Choice and Boundaries v Freedom

This week at the Boy's boarding school, I learned something new.

Everyone has heard of nature versus nurture. What influences people, makes us who we are? Are we destined to become a certain way because that is how we were born, or do we become who we are because of how we were raised?

The therapists at Boy's school talked about a third influencer: choice.

It seems so obvious, yet I was surprised to hear it. The choices we make influence our health and well-being. While there are things out of our control like who are parents are, we can control plenty by the choices we make, like whether or not take drugs, or decide who are friends are.

It makes so much sense--every day is a choice. Our days are influenced by where we were born and how we are raised, but there is so much we can do within that if we want to. This is not to deny that some people are born with more opportunities and freedoms that other people. I think of Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning written after he was freed from a Nazi concentration camp. Every day he could choose his attitude even though he was living in horrific circumstances.

The other thing I learned was from one of the dads. These kids in therapeutic boarding schools are given lots of boundaries and rules, and the kids rebel against them. Why? Why rebel against the rules? Rules and boundaries are often ways to keep people safe, and within almost any set of rules (minus slavery or prison, for example), there is lots of freedom to choose. When boarding school kids go home for a break, they have rules like don't take drugs, don't use a phone or computer, don't see your old friends on this visit, etc. Sure, some of rules can be a drag, but there are millions of other things that can be done within those lines.

Can't go outside? Read a book. Can't be inside? Go for a run. Don't have a friend to talk to at the moment? Write in a journal and then find a friend. Don't know how to find a friend? Be a friend.

Does a kid want to grow up and be treated like an adult, then embrace the rules to show he or she is trustworthy. "The kids should say bring it on! I can handle it!"

The Plague

The coronavirus has hit Seattle, and right now I am visiting the Boy at his tiny boarding school in Montana where coronavirus has not hit.

Yet.

These kids are isolated in a bucolic small town that is off the map and then ALL of their parents are brought in from New York City, San Francisco, Houston, etc. bringing a global collection of germs to this very local village.

I haven't coughed in a week except for when my tea was too hot and I am a little more tired than usual. I feel reasonably fine. One a scale of one to ten, I feel like a 7.5 which isn't bad for a week of traveling.

And yet, I am terrified that I might be carrying this nasty bug and having "subclinical" case, meaning I might have the virus but not the symptoms. Now I know how the rats must have felt during the bubonic plague. I feel like a blanket with fleas carrying smallpox to the Native Americans back in the 1600's. Monday, I shook my son's soccer coach's hand and then found out he has a medically fragile son. Today I apologized to him: "I am sorry I shook your hand yesterday. I'm from Seattle."

I hope this bug is grossly over-hyped, for everyone's sake because right now I am feeling super guilty if on the off chance this little community gets the superbug that it will be my fault.